Today was the best day of my life, which is hard to say after having the hardest days and scariest weeks up until now. I’m only in my 30s. How do you live AFTER being at your worst?
It’s time to take the medication to reduce the swelling on my brain. And pills to ease the insomnia caused by that medication. Go to sleep, my darling. Sleep fights cancer,
I lucidly dream that I am in a hospital bed, but it’s at my house. I am relaxed from the best day. I am fulfilled. I could die now with a full heart bursting at the brim.
But what about my morning cuddle with my son, who, because of his age, just learned about Santa and can only understand that mommy has a bobo in her head that he can’t see?
What about the party my neighbours planned because we cancelled our new years trip to see fireworks in Las Vegas and relax at a spa in Arizona?
What about the car my sister-in-law rented to come see me. I haven’t hugged her yet since hearing the devastating news that I have brain cancer.
I wake up confused. My brain says I am dying, but my body says it’s tired for sleep. I’m stuck in the middle. An inner debate ensues. Rationally, I know the tumour is on my occipital lobe which causes visual disturbances that make it difficult to interpret reality. “Seriously, is there a rabbit hopping across the hospital?” No. It’s the footsteps of the nurses walking to and fro.
Lying still, scared, I know these lifesaving meds cause insomnia. But physically, my breath is slow and loud from cough. Comforting noises are masked with earplugs and an eye mask. The world is getting quieter.
My brain says I am dying. But my body says I am sleeping.
My husband Chris is sleeping in the other room. I ask him to come be with me. In a few words, I explain to him that my head and body are competing and I am scared. That I will die if I sleep. What should do? Who do I listen to? Who is right? My brain or my body?
In these dark moments. some call on their faith, whatever it might be. Some trust the universe to carry them. As Chris holds me, I get my answer. Really, it is just love. Unconditional love. Because no matter the question, love is the answer.
I don’t have to do this alone. I have the most beautiful gift. Love.
I finally fall asleep, not a regular sleep, but my body is resting perfectly still while I softly encourage my brain to keep listening to my body. I will live another day.
Love prevailed. Trust love.
#trust #love #faith #dying #unconditional #fear #insomnia #cancer #termnal #young #cancer #blog #write #cancermommies #SundayRead #SpotlightSunday #cancermommies
Written with help by the always lovely Jillian Stewart